I hate everything
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If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.