Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
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One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
When libraries troll their patrons.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn鈥檛 tell you where a single plane is
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
it鈥檚 time for sharks to evolve again. it鈥檚 been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 馃槖
Van Gone
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
I鈥檓 not saying I know how to solve all the world鈥檚 problems.
I鈥檓 just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You鈥檙e supposed to yell timber.