Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
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You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
The most important meal of the day is the next one
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.