Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
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Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
my mom making me talk to relatives
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape