devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
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Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.