It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
You Might Also Like
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
fixed it
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid