VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
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I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
I’m just playing devils avocado here
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors