A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
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At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
They grow up so quick
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
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I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.