If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
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You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Lmao
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense