dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
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[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.