Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
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Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Every work meeting this week
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.