Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
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My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!