Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
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Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.