My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
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There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
me, after any kind of buffet.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.