Don’t we all.
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butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
men, we mow at sunrise.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble