My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
You Might Also Like
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.