Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
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the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)