I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
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The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”