If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
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Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water