Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
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If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
So, can we agree on 4 or
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.