A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
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The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING