“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
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*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair