Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
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me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.