Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
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I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*