me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
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Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Favourite diary entry ever
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george