someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
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When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”