Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
You Might Also Like
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
🤣🤣🤣
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now