My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
You Might Also Like
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
my name if I was in the mob