People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
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*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.