[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
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Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.