ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
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[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭