SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
You Might Also Like
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
This is the one
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.