I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
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[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Never be a pizza!
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
The Joker was right
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.