I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
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Bike for sale
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
wishing you and yours all the best
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
“Wait, let me explain..”
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.