Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
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ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey