Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
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Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.