Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
You Might Also Like
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
The days of good grammer has went
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.