🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
You Might Also Like
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Mornin. * use accordingly
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit