*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
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My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
having children is a pyramid scheme.