You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
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If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex