As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda