Planet of the Apps.
You Might Also Like
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?