Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
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Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
meanwhile over on facebook
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”