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me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
This was a bad idea all around
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.