the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
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If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Breaking news:
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.