No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
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Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura