There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
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[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.