my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
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Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
When he asks for feet pics
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.