PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
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[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Me too, bag. Me too….
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.