Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
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Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Not even remotely sorry.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.